


Monster

by RonaldIris



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Body Paint, M/M, Self-Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonaldIris/pseuds/RonaldIris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gray paint almost never comes off now. You hate what's underneath. The ugly green monster that doesn't deserve any resemblence of happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster

The only reason you ever even considered talking to him was because of your fucking sister. She was always obsessing over these weird creatures and saying they were so amazing. Eventually her obession over these creatures leaked to you and you fell into this thought of mind where your sister and you were going to play the same game that those creatures did. You liked games. You agreed for the moment but you swore to her that you were only going to play because you wanted to kill her. She brushed you off like it was nothing. It didn't matter anyway whether she believed you or not, you'd kill her either way.  
When you researched this game you stumbled upon the program to allow you to communicate with these creatures. The 'humans', as they're called. They're nothing spectacular in the beginning. They were all annoying. The green text and the pink and the blue were all annoying. But, the orange one, the orange text was the most idiotic piece of shit in the world. You hated him. Hated him so bad that it hurt. You tortured him endlessly when you were awake, forcing him to play your sick games and bugging him in his most crucial times. You think he may hate you too and that satisfies you just a little bit.  
Your sister got working a video program that would allow you both to see the humans you were communicating with. At first, you never wanted to see one. They were all probably super ugly and disgusting. You avoided using the video for as long as you could while your sister used it constantly to look at the humans and the other creatures called trolls. She even took to making herself look like a troll. It was pitiful. Eventually, however, you gave in and looked at the video, immediately setting the coordinates to the orange text's living area.  
When you saw him for the first time you were shocked. The humans looked nothing like you thought they would look. The orange text himself looked, well, amazing. His skin was pale and smooth and the lines to his face were delicate, yet strong. He was tall and his eyes were constantly hidden behind those eye protectors. And he had hair. Hair was always a strange concept to you and your sister but it was also interesting to look at. It looked soft and durable all at the same time and you couldn't help it. You were jealous. Why did he have to look so attractive while everytime you looked into a mirror you were surprised that the glass didn't crack? It wasn't fair.  
You understand why your sister dresses up as a different species. The trolls and the humans, they're beautiful. They're all so exotic and amazing and you find yourself wanting to do it too. Without talking to your sister you take her make up and you paint your face gray and your hands gray. You take a black wig and place it on your head just right and you take some custom made horns and place them on your head. You look at yourself in the mirror and for once you don't feel the bitter anger that you usually feel when you look at yourself. All you see is the gray skin that smooths and hides you. For the first time in your life you feel beautiful. It was so strange.  
You talked to the orange text some more when you were dressed up. You made note that his name was Dirk. He drew things for you when you requested them in your games and he complied with everything you said, lest you get angry and kill your sister. Which may happen anyway. Sometimes when you're not talking to him you just watch him as he goes about his normal business, fighting robots of his own creations and rapping.  
Dirk talks with another human. The green text. His name is Jake. Dirk is in love with him. You don't know why but this makes you so angry when you think about it. It makes you want to play games with Dirk more often and yell at him more. When Dirk requests that you suggest putting him together with the Jake human you make damn sure he knows that you will never see them together and that they make an ugly color when mixed. You don't think Dirk ever believes you. You understand though.  
Jake is better than you, simple as that. For one, he's strong. You admire that in a partner but you still hate Jake for it. But, the reason why you hate him the most is because he's naturally beautiful. He was born a human and born with his natural beauty. This makes you angry and upset and you wish you were like that. You wear your troll costume more and more now. Sometimes you forget that it's even a costume and you leave it on for days at a time. You hate it when you wash off the gray make up and see how ugly you are underneath it all. Why were you born like this? Why couldn't you have been born a troll? Or better yet, a human. If you were a human maybe Dirk would pay more attention to you instead of Jake.  
You like to think of what it would be like to be in Jake's shoes. To have Dirk pine after you endlessly and it makes you blush dark when you think. You think that it would be nice to have Dirk kiss you. That thought makes you squirm a little uncomfortably and you try your hardest to ignore the butterflies in your stomach when you speak or watch the other. Dirk and Jake get closer. You begin to hate yourself.  
The gray paint almost never comes off now. You hate what's underneath. The ugly green monster that doesn't deserve any resemblence of happiness. It's one of those rare moments when the paint comes off and you just stare at yourself. You stare at the ugly green monster that stares back at you. You break the mirror so that you can never see your face again. You try to impress Dirk with your atistic skill. Easy to say it never worked out well and he told you outright that you were a terrible artist and everything you did was terrible. This makes you upset.  
You can't do anything right anymore. You can't draw, you can't paint or write. All you can do is think about Dirk's harsh words echoing in your head. He hated the drawing and it made you mad. You were angry at everything. You were angry at how bad the drawing was but you were angry that you weren't like Dirk. You weren't a human. This makes you flip out on your reflection. You broke just about everything you could think off.  
I hate you. I hate you.  
You tell yourself over and over again that you'll never be good enough to be with anyone. You'll never be pretty or beautiful like the humans. This means that Dirk will never love you. That thought upsets you the most and you take the paint. You're on your knees on the floor and your painting your face in gray and you're crying. You hate yourself. You're so ugly and untalented and Dirk will never love you, no matter what. The gray paint mixes with your tears and eventually you give up and go to sleep.  
Your sister never asks you what happened. She knows and you know that she knows. She knows everything about being ugly and not being accepted and you just want to cry. You want to kill her even more now than ever. You want to kill her because she's you. You want to kill both of you. It's not like anyone would miss you both when you were gone. No one would love a monster like you.


End file.
